Comfort Zones

(I realize that I misspelled "wilderness"…but just go with it…ha!)

I. Love. This. Quote. One of the many that I try so hard to convince myself to live by! However, I keep getting stuck in my hole! I find myself wanting out so bad..so I head out..driving…trying to find a good photo to take..but being too anxious to pull over and take the shot. Scared of the land owners, scared of being stared at..etc. Ridiculous. I found myself driving in one of these panics yesterday and ended up texting a DEAR friend of mine, Amber Barber, in a desperate "I'm screaming at the top of my lungs in my own head and she's one of the only people that gets that and I need her" attempts to seek help! I then pulled over, threw gas in the jeep, wiped my tears, entered her address in my GPS and let Dora take over. (Dora is my GPS..ya know…Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer!….yea anyway..) Next thing I knew I was greeted in her driveway on her amazingly beautiful property here in breathtaking Williamson County, TN, with a glass of Pinot Noir and was told to sit and spill it. Luckily, blonde as I may be, I realized she meant the inner voices in my head and NOT the wine. THAT, I chugged…and released the voices. It is AMAZING how sometimes just having someones face to tell your thoughts and pent up feelings and fears to is sometimes ALL you need to find your own answers. It also helps that we are VERY much alike and she is an amazingly wise owl (and a pretty one too!) to bounce ideas, goals, fears, and anxiety ridden babble off of! Just the fact that I forced myself to actually get out of my secondary cage, which is my Jeep, and actually SEE someone. . Talk to someone. . Listen to someone else. .Experience an evening with someone else. . did wonders for my soul! Fears are NORMAL and so is anxiety and stress and feelings of discouragement. Holding them in to the point that I do may be slightly normal, but is not acceptable to me. I may not have many close friends that I relate to and actually want to hang out with, but I do have a couple, and I NEED them! Mostly, I NEED to REMEMBER that I NEED to MAKE myself reach out to them sometimes and not make myself feel so crazy and alone all the damn time! (Yes, I cussed, do it a lot actually so…get over it?)

So, where did my night with Amber get me? More inspired. More inspired to see her more, and to not let my freaking cage keep me locked in forever. After all, what is the point in making goals if you have no real intentions of getting over your fears enough to, at least slowly, reach them!? One thing that has me super duper down is the fact that the photo editing site I use and understand and love is shutting down. I have tried to tackle Photoshop so many times before in the past, only to feel overwhelmed very quickly, panic, and run for my life back to the easy one. One of those unacceptable "running back to my blankie and cage" type things. It is causing me tons of anxiety but will actually be GREAT for me that I am now being forced to suck it up, and keep trying to learn the REAL software that REAL photographers use and not stop until I get it once and for all! No matter how many panic attacks and wine nights with Amber it takes me to do it. The information and knowledge will not just appear in my brain, I have to work hard to put it there. Work.. HARD. Hard work=accomplishments. Easy work=settling and becoming stuck. Amber told me last night that I am an amazing, deep, gorgeous(hehe *blush*), inspiring, passionate and AWESOME person and it's time I start giving myself credit for that. I need to make myself believe it by accomplishing awesome things so that I won't care whether people agree with Ambers opinion of me or not. I am the only thing that has been standing in my way and I'm ready to punch myself in the ego and then build it up to where I DESERVE for it to be!

I have joined a local photography group and I have been very successful in speaking out in the group online and sharing photos and giving my input and help to others. However, I have NOT yet "made it" to any of the outings. Why? Fear. Insecurities. HA…They know all of my fears and all of my anxieties and they have seen my work and know what I can or cannot do. So even if they have way better lenses, know Photoshop, and have TONS of expe..wait… (Jeff just told me there's a thunderstorm 80 miles West o.O ….ok he is checking radar..where was I?)oh yea even if I THINK that they will THINK they are better than me. Who cares?! I shouldn't because I know that they are not. They are simply more experienced but are there for me to pick their brains and become friends with and in turn, network and improve in SO many ways!

Also, I found out that a local studio owner and photographer here in Spring Hill (JustPortraits.com) is going to start offering classes for 15 bucks each! That's it! SO..I sucked it up, networked and signed the hell up for the classes. AND..I..WILL..GO..TO..THEM! Even if I show up panicked and in tears…I'll freaking BE THERE..to better my craft and in turn feed my passion and fuel my fire to succeed. Also, some sort of formal education (and cheap at that!) will ONLY lift my confidence to do even more networking and photography. If you would like more info on these classes (which range from even just a person who enjoys the idea of photography but only has a camera phone….all the way up to more advanced classes) hit me up in email or on my Facebook page for more into! (JenniferHinesPhotography@gmail.com ….oh yea..that needs to change to now..ha!)

*Deep breath* You are awesome. I am awesome. I love you and I love myself and WE ALL will work harder to become an even better "us"..right?!?!?! =D

Love and PEACE,

Jennifer

I have seen the retina burning, super inspiring light!

The quote that said it all!

I. am. a. blog. failure. Ok..THAT is my ONE and ONLY negative statement that I am allowing about myself in this post! I started this blog to help me swim my way through the mud puddle that I purposely dove headfirst into last May. I have had..uhm..let me see.. TWO posts since then. TWO. . ! This has GOT to change, or I am going to delete this blog, LOL!

Any-hooo…My DEAR friend Crista, who has ALWAYS been the most inspirational person in my life, posted this exact quote (pic) to her facebook and I stole it! (mwahaha!) Since that day..it has been HAUNTING me, but in a GOOD way! Since May, I have been just gliding along. Sliding through life on a straight arrow of getting nothing done and heading nowhere fast! WtH?! Didn't I leave EVERYTHING in May to do JUST the opposite? *sigh* Well, a rut is what I found myself in and it's time to strap on my combat boots, put on my big girl panties, and dig my way out! I haven't been shooting at ALL this winter with the excuse of "everything is dead and brown, what's there to shoot?" Anyone with an artistic eye or a love of photography can tell you that the excuse I just said is major BS. There is ALWAYS something or SOMEONE to shoot! Just gotta…get out of bed..put on the boots and what not and FIND the shots!

So! My goals are as follows. I am GOING to FINALLY do the final steps in finishing my side of the divorce. Divorce has a healing process whether you're the one who took the first steps out or not. I have been letting the idea that I'm not allowed to be hurting or healing because "I walked first" keep me down. I jumped from the nest that my (ex)husband created for me and took a quick head dive into the original nest that is …my parents house. Now, sure, I needed a place to land where I could get through this divorce and take the proper steps to independance, but NOT a place to lock myself in my cage (which is my tiny box of a bedroom) and WAIT for it to just be done for me. *sigh* I have disappointed myself, but it is not too late to get 'er done! (heh, sorry I had to!) Next goal is as follows. I so desperately want to start building a REAL portfolio and by that I do NOT mean create a website or another FB photography page. I mean a REAL, leather-bound portfolio. This way I can maybe start doing some freelance work here locally so that I can start building somewhat of an informal "resume" so that I have a third leg (oops..kinda gross) to stand on WHEN I get out West. Ok..this leads to goal numero tres! OUT WEST! I said I wanted to be out west by this spring to start my new life the right way, by chasing! Well, darnit! It is now January which puts spring a couple of short months away, less now actually, and I don't have a clue wth I am doing! Only, I DO know what I am doing. I'm GOING out west to start life with my soulmate and to chase/photograph the most beautiful thing in the world, weather! (and landscapes, but..yea.) So planning/preparation is starting NOW! Ok, last, but most definitely NOT least, I need to get OUT there in order to succeed in anything! I need people..and I NEED to NOT spend all of my time in my cage! Afterall, it would be quite exhausting for a bird who just discovered her wings to take a flight across the country if she had not done some "conditioning" and "training" via smaller flights! I have joined a group online called Middle Tennessee Shutterbugs and unlike the Shoot Franklin group that I was a part of, it is NOT JUST portrait artists that are ALL female and competing and shooting the same thing! Portraits, after all, are only half of what I like to do, if that! The Shutterbug group is diverse, and they have seemed super welcoming so far! I WILL keep up with this group and I WILL participate in their "activities and events!" Dangit! :D

Yea, you like that positivity dontcha? I thought so! SO! This blog IS GOING to be used, and is going to be used for ME! To keep me on track and to help keep me inspired. I hope that the few of you that might have been interested in following me will continue to follow me on me journey. I will post about any and everything that I do and include pictures! Mr. Canon is going to be by my side 7 days a week from now on!

So, here is to starting this year off right and to having an awesome non-resolution! (called that because of the tendency for actual resolutions to fizzle!)

Much love and peace!

Jennifer

The results are in!

Hello again you crazy humans out there! I'm here to declare that I REFUSE to over-think a huge, recent change in my life. My relationship "status". FIRST..I must tell you all that within a couple days of my "Forgiveness" post, my ex husband ( who has NOT even read it at this point), reached out to me to FORGIVE ME! I was dead on when I said I had been feeling like he was going through a hard time, and was struggling with his REAL emotions and finding ways to work through them. He has dumped his negative ex, forgiven those who needed it, and has taken a new positive approach to life and I am uber proud of him for it! We are now talking openly about everything and back on our way to friendship. What does this mean? This, my friends, means that forgiveness, even if you just do it for your soul, is powerful. Our souls communicate even when we don't and if you have a pure, positive, and forgiving soul..others will hear it and you will inspire them to open up to the goodness. :o)

SO, since all of this has happened, I finally felt like it was time to reveal my "relationship status" to the world (as if you all didn't already know, right) I just needed to wait until I felt like both sides of my situation were healed, and strong enough to accept it without getting hurt. This being said, I am in a long distance relationship with someone who lives 866 miles away from my in the state of Nebraska. That's right, I said he lives 866 miles away and I REFUSE to over-think this. I have never met someone quite like him, and I have never felt the way he makes me feel..everyday. So, I MUST go with it. Despite all of the huffs and puffs about LDR's always failing and money issues and trust issues and blahdy blah… I'm going with it. I have proven to myself in the past that if it doesn't work, or I find myself unhappy..I'll leave. So really, what's there to be scared of? Other peoples criticisms? Psh!

Psh!..And that's all I have to say about that! :o)

I am happy. I am loved. I am following my heart and soul..and I WILL get to where I want to be in life..and NOT because I have wrapped myself in yet another "comfort blankie" and am just snuggling while someone else does it all for me. I will get there because I am strong, and because I can do it on my own. It may take me twice as long to get it right, but the end result is SO worth it!

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
~Elizabeth Gilbert

Until next time my friends..find inner peace and don't just talk about it. Live it through your actions and how you treat others and present yourself to the world. Words mean nothing if you don't live by them!

Much love and peace,

Jennifer (The UN-caged bird)

Forgiveness..

Ok guys.. this is random for a first post..but it is a subject that I have been stewing on and over-thinking about for a while now.

Forgiveness..

"Forgiving is rediscovering the shining path of peace that at first you thought others took away when they betrayed you." ~Dodinsky

I started down the path that I took my first steps on in May to begin my own journey to inner peace and to hopefully, in the process, bring peace to the one person that I had been dragging down with me for years. Most of you know that when my ex husband and I split, it was a huge dramatic event, on HIS side. There was NO drama from me, because I knew and stuck to the truth. The truth about us BOTH knowing for a long time that we were on a dead end road of "just gliding through" and were bound to end up at the end feeling un fullfilled at some point. Many lies were told about Jeff and I and he lost his entire reputation and many people who he considered good friends in this process. This, in turn, hurt me deeply because Jeff, no matter where we are headed or are currently at, started out as my best friend and that, I will never be ashamed of. I have refused to participate in the drama, all while refusing to hide anything from anyone this entire time because I had complete faith that the truth that I had been living would outshine the lies, drama, and negative energy that he was spreading like wildfire. People often ask me or talk to me like I should be or am mad at him or hate him and I have corrected every person, every time. My ex was my best friend, he was an excellent husband, and he is an all around good guy. Young, slightly immature, and just a "typical male" at times, yes, but he has always been a good guy. Even the best guys make mistakes or do or say dumb things when trying to deal with intense emotions. I am grown enough to know this and patient enough to give as much time as it takes for him and others to come to terms with the truth. Truth of the matter is, even if I left my ex with all intentions of being with Jeff, I didn't run from his arms and into Jeff's. In reality Jeff and I met at the "wrong time" for me and my ex's situation. It was one big fat coincidence and regardless of what my feelings may or may not be for Jeff, I did not act on them out of respect for my ex, our families and friends, Jeff and his reputation, and my own reputation and out of respect for the high standards I hold myself to. However, my ex was with someone else before our divorce was final and changed his FB relationship status to in a relationship with her as SOON as our divorce was final. That was in July. It is now November, and I have announced NOTHING official to anyone regarding my "relationship status" to anyone let alone a public forum and not because of fear, but because it's the right thing to do. I never want to jump into something just because it "seems right" again. I want to be sure. I want to get to know myself on a deeper level and fall in love with myself before I try to throw myself at someone else and expect them to be happy with "me". That is, after all, the WHOLE point of my divorce.

My point in all of this? Forgiveness. I am ready to forgive any and everyone in this situation. I was never "not ready" but I am actually wanting everyone to know that I am one big set of open arms who is willing to forgive and forget because I understand exactly what happened and I can't blame people for believing lies that could have, very much so, seemed real. Also, I am above drama, but some people love it and I am not putting anyone down for that but of course people went for the dramatic side of things..it's human nature. At the end of the day though, May was a long time ago, I have moved on and I strongly believe that if there is anyone who hasn't, it is simply because they continue to be mis informed, or they haven't had the right positive people to talk to about all of this. Even the people who were the harshest to me have a spot in my heart and I just feel the need to express that to everyone because at the end of the day, my ex is and has been with someone new, and whether I am or am not "with someone new", I am on my way to utter joy, peace, and happiness and that is all I am focused on right now…no matter how I get there.

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well." ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Recently I have been concerned for my ex's emotional well being. I feel like he may have dug himself into a negative hole and now has no one to talk to about his REAL feelings about our divorce. At the end of the day, I just want happiness for him..and this has helped me realize that I need to write this forgiveness blog. Also, I cannot find anything negative in my heart to think or say about the others who negatively involved themselves where they shouldn't have. So..

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one." ~Henry Ward Beecher

I am ready to do this. I was friends with everyone I had in my life for a reason and I am missing them. So, for the ones who stayed silent and neutral, come to me and just let me know that you are still here and don't secretely hate me and dig on my FB for dirty details, or if the ones who specifically tried to hurt me and Jeff came to me and said they may have been "hurt" by all of this or feel like they had a right to be hurt but feel like they were wrong to be so harsh and could see us being friends again..just come to me! I have never and still don't want to talk negatively about ANYONE involved so let's not re-stir any drama, but lets move on if you feel it in your heart to do so. Even the one person who said the harshest things to me out of anyone, or even my ex and his new girl.. I'm here, I'm open, and I'm wanting to have you in my life positively if you're open to it! If not, then at least I have said my piece on the subject. As for Jeff, he may have deleted his entire old FB account and started fresh, but he still exists. He was deeply hurt and effected by all of this and practically sideswiped and attacked…of course he started fresh, who could he trust? So even though this blog is MINE and involves only my life, feelings, and emotions, I had to throw that out there and let you all know that he is not "hiding"..he just started fresh with people he could really trust.

LOTS of love, happiness, and peace to ALL of you!

Jennifer