(I realize that I misspelled "wilderness"…but just go with it…ha!)
I. Love. This. Quote. One of the many that I try so hard to convince myself to live by! However, I keep getting stuck in my hole! I find myself wanting out so bad..so I head out..driving…trying to find a good photo to take..but being too anxious to pull over and take the shot. Scared of the land owners, scared of being stared at..etc. Ridiculous. I found myself driving in one of these panics yesterday and ended up texting a DEAR friend of mine, Amber Barber, in a desperate "I'm screaming at the top of my lungs in my own head and she's one of the only people that gets that and I need her" attempts to seek help! I then pulled over, threw gas in the jeep, wiped my tears, entered her address in my GPS and let Dora take over. (Dora is my GPS..ya know…Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer!….yea anyway..) Next thing I knew I was greeted in her driveway on her amazingly beautiful property here in breathtaking Williamson County, TN, with a glass of Pinot Noir and was told to sit and spill it. Luckily, blonde as I may be, I realized she meant the inner voices in my head and NOT the wine. THAT, I chugged…and released the voices. It is AMAZING how sometimes just having someones face to tell your thoughts and pent up feelings and fears to is sometimes ALL you need to find your own answers. It also helps that we are VERY much alike and she is an amazingly wise owl (and a pretty one too!) to bounce ideas, goals, fears, and anxiety ridden babble off of! Just the fact that I forced myself to actually get out of my secondary cage, which is my Jeep, and actually SEE someone. . Talk to someone. . Listen to someone else. .Experience an evening with someone else. . did wonders for my soul! Fears are NORMAL and so is anxiety and stress and feelings of discouragement. Holding them in to the point that I do may be slightly normal, but is not acceptable to me. I may not have many close friends that I relate to and actually want to hang out with, but I do have a couple, and I NEED them! Mostly, I NEED to REMEMBER that I NEED to MAKE myself reach out to them sometimes and not make myself feel so crazy and alone all the damn time! (Yes, I cussed, do it a lot actually so…get over it?)
So, where did my night with Amber get me? More inspired. More inspired to see her more, and to not let my freaking cage keep me locked in forever. After all, what is the point in making goals if you have no real intentions of getting over your fears enough to, at least slowly, reach them!? One thing that has me super duper down is the fact that the photo editing site I use and understand and love is shutting down. I have tried to tackle Photoshop so many times before in the past, only to feel overwhelmed very quickly, panic, and run for my life back to the easy one. One of those unacceptable "running back to my blankie and cage" type things. It is causing me tons of anxiety but will actually be GREAT for me that I am now being forced to suck it up, and keep trying to learn the REAL software that REAL photographers use and not stop until I get it once and for all! No matter how many panic attacks and wine nights with Amber it takes me to do it. The information and knowledge will not just appear in my brain, I have to work hard to put it there. Work.. HARD. Hard work=accomplishments. Easy work=settling and becoming stuck. Amber told me last night that I am an amazing, deep, gorgeous(hehe *blush*), inspiring, passionate and AWESOME person and it's time I start giving myself credit for that. I need to make myself believe it by accomplishing awesome things so that I won't care whether people agree with Ambers opinion of me or not. I am the only thing that has been standing in my way and I'm ready to punch myself in the ego and then build it up to where I DESERVE for it to be!
I have joined a local photography group and I have been very successful in speaking out in the group online and sharing photos and giving my input and help to others. However, I have NOT yet "made it" to any of the outings. Why? Fear. Insecurities. HA…They know all of my fears and all of my anxieties and they have seen my work and know what I can or cannot do. So even if they have way better lenses, know Photoshop, and have TONS of expe..wait… (Jeff just told me there's a thunderstorm 80 miles West o.O ….ok he is checking radar..where was I?)oh yea even if I THINK that they will THINK they are better than me. Who cares?! I shouldn't because I know that they are not. They are simply more experienced but are there for me to pick their brains and become friends with and in turn, network and improve in SO many ways!
Also, I found out that a local studio owner and photographer here in Spring Hill (JustPortraits.com) is going to start offering classes for 15 bucks each! That's it! SO..I sucked it up, networked and signed the hell up for the classes. AND..I..WILL..GO..TO..THEM! Even if I show up panicked and in tears…I'll freaking BE THERE..to better my craft and in turn feed my passion and fuel my fire to succeed. Also, some sort of formal education (and cheap at that!) will ONLY lift my confidence to do even more networking and photography. If you would like more info on these classes (which range from even just a person who enjoys the idea of photography but only has a camera phone….all the way up to more advanced classes) hit me up in email or on my Facebook page for more into! (JenniferHinesPhotography@gmail.com ….oh yea..that needs to change to now..ha!)
*Deep breath* You are awesome. I am awesome. I love you and I love myself and WE ALL will work harder to become an even better "us"..right?!?!?! =D
Love and PEACE,
Jennifer
