I am swedish (ALL the way..from the blonde to the blue to the WHITE) and I was born in Michigan. My family (1 brother, mom, dad) moved here to Tennessee when I was in the 3rd grade. I grew up here with two over-worked /seperate shift/over stressed parents, and a brother who is so the opposite of me its insane. I struggled ALOT growing up with "finding myself". Who I always WANTED to be was never right for everyone else. So I swayed. I strayed from theater because I was told that New York was "too big" of a dream. I strayed from an exotic feline sanctuary because I was told "you can't move out of state! "It's cheaper to just stay here and it makes sense and I need you here". So.. After high school (where I was involved in theater, and theater only..dated NO ONE, had a few very close friendships that were all based on being goofy and theatrical.) Any-hoo. . After that I went to Middle Tennessee State University and majored in theater ..because.. I was told that it makes more sense to do it here where it's cheaper and local. fAiL! I HATED every single second of it! I made it through about a semester and a half and I ran for my life. Literally. Ever since I have been working at a daycare, which I have a definitely love/hate relationship with, and just living life.
I have always had serious self confidence issues which I believe stem from the people in my life. No, I don't think anyone ever MEANT to make me feel down about myself but.. ya know, it happens. My dreams were TOO big and I am TOO sensitive. I would try to accomplish something for myself and if I couldn't figure it out (which was pretty often), I'd get anxious and ask for help. Going into the "help" with anxiety made my sensitivity spike, and I'd get frustrated and usually cry WAY faster than my "helper" saw to be "normal", which would make them get frustrated with me and in turn.. I'd quit and they would just do it for me. I sort of gained this reputation, which I joke about, as the sensitive, nervous girl who needs help getting through life alive ..pretty much. ALL of my (serious)relationships, looking back, were with people who were "comforting" to me. When they would go bad, I'd go back home where it was comfortable. By doing so, I never learned how to actually LIVE and survive life. ( I will go through specific relationships, experiences, and all that jazz in individual posts as time goes by)
SO.. I then got married. I met my (ex) husband at a country bar in Nashville during my party stage. I had recently gotten out of a terrible, long, serious, and very abusive relationship right around my 21st birthday and was just out having fun.. being 21. I wasn't looking for him.. but he found me. He stared at me for hours before getting the courage to talk to me. When he finally did.. he was different. He was mature. He had just gotten finished with his degree. He was the perfect opportunity to do what I have always been trying to do. Settle down, get married, do things right, and start a family. This was the first relationship I had ever been in where the roles were reversed. I had him wrapped around my "pretty little finger" so to say. He was a down-home Nebraska boy who had just moved to the big city of Nashville for school, and I was this blue eyed- blonde girl in glitter and a halter top just lookin for a good time and flirting with everyone I saw. He was supposed to move back to Nebraska in a week..and he did..only to return a week later to move in with me so we could see not only what we were all about..but because he liked it here. We were together everyday from that day forward, until we divorced. We were best friends. He was SO understanding of my anxieties and fears and my history and he worked with me as I tried to work through it. However, as always, he was TOO comforting. I have never and will NEVER EVER look down on him for it. Together, we had an apartment, planned a beautiful beach wedding, looked for and purchased our new house, new cars, and then tried to have a baby. However, I just "glided" right through all of this. I didn't HAVE to learn how to handle real life things such as insurance, car/house buying procedures, real life budgeting etc. He did it all, and he did it all well. Yes, I helped. I paid some bills and I paid for all of our groceries and "stuff", but if I fell short, he picked it up.
When all was said and done and we had been in our beautiful home for a couple of years, working seperate shifts..I slowly started to wake up and realize that we were both BORED TO DEATH with each other. We had SO much in common that we loved to do, but we didn't feel motivated to do any of it. (hello depression!) I was struggling with infertility, and neither of us were feeling motivated to take the next step, and I was feeling SO alone and heartbroken. Romance has always been a huge issue for me. I am a whimsical, floaty, girly girl who has always wanted a guy who would be as much of a hopeless romantic as me. I failed. He never ever told me I was beautiful. He never, EVER surprised me. No random flowers. No cards when he was "sorry" for something. Gifts for birthdays and holidays only, and only things that didn't take any thought or creative effort what so ever. Every year, in May, we would come to a head over this issue. By that time, I had stewed and suffered through February(Valentines), March(anniversary) and May(my bday), only to be disappointed in the lack of romance, spontaneity and creativity that I was done. We would argue, and then we would get over it.
This past year in May 2011, I woke up. I decided that enough was enough. I finally asked him.. are you EVER going to just try harder..or do you have all intentions of just saying you are every year? When he told me "I am just not that guy..never have been..and never will be"..I was jolted awake. Why would he? Why did I want him to? He was my best friend..the kind of best friend I had always wanted. He was an amazing "life partner"..but he wasn't in love with me, and I wasn't in love with him. If we were, the sparks would just be there. We wouldn't have to "try harder" to show it.. we would live everyday WANTING to show each other how much in love we were. So.. it all happened fast. I asked for some time to think so that I could think this realization over..and I wasn't given that luxury. He pretty much told me either I'm married and we are good… or I'm out. He wasn't willing to "live in awkwardness while I tried to figure out if I wanted to be his wife or not". Hmm. SO.. NO romance, NO sparks, NO children, NOT allowed to have time to even think about something.. why the hell was I still there in the first place? So, to avoid a huge horrible fight (which he was infamous for behind closed doors) I went to my moms house for the night. I needed to think, and dammit, I was gonna! The next day he still felt the same so I went back for a couple more days worth of clothes so he could cool off..and next thing I knew…he was filing for divorce, telling the whole world I had abandoned him and our "home", telling everyone that I had cheated on him not once, but twice, and ruining my reputation and manipulating his friends and family for ALL kinds of sympathy benefits. So..I left everything. ALL the "stuff" that we (he) had painted our "perfect picture" with. I took my jeep, laptop, and photography equipment and I left him EVERYTHING ELSE. I started new. My 27 year old self walked away from my "picture perfect life".. a beautiful home, a best friend and 3 wonderful animals (who were my children), and moved back home with my parents. Talk about a walk of shame. I didn't open up to anyone about my reasons because I KNEW they wouldn't understand or agree with me. After all, I am the whimsical, floaty dreamer who always dreams too big. :o)
So. Here I am now, just a butterfly whose REAL wants and dreams have been caged for her whole life. A butterfly who only fluttered and frolicked superficially when completely alone in nature, but had to return to her cage by the time anyone saw her. A butterfly whose wings are tattered and weak, but ready to take flight. Read to fly higher, and farther than EVER before. It's going to be hard. I'm going to get overwhelmed (alot!). I am going to have down days. However, in the end, I WILL have not only strong wings to fly with, but they will be beautiful!
I intend to delete my original "photography" blog and just use this one. It will be full of stories from my past that have helped shape me, new adventures that I go on while trying to grow my wings, goals, passions, deep rambling thoughts about life..and everything in between. I hope to not only feel better on a daily basis from having this as an outlet, but maybe..just maybe.. I can be somewhat of an inspiration to other people. Life is what we make of it. Don't let anyone tell you who or what you should be or do. Don't let other knock you out of flight. Don't ever thing "welp, this is it.." about life. Most of all, if you stop and realize that you are in the same sort of situation that I was in.. LISTEN to your SOUL. You're soul is who you are and it's never going to go away no matter how many times you push it down to make room for lifes' little "routines". Birds aren't born in mid flight..learning how to fly takes time. Start now or you'll be stuck in your comforting cage watching everyone else around you fly.
