Ok guys.. this is random for a first post..but it is a subject that I have been stewing on and over-thinking about for a while now.
Forgiveness..
"Forgiving is rediscovering the shining path of peace that at first you thought others took away when they betrayed you." ~Dodinsky
I started down the path that I took my first steps on in May to begin my own journey to inner peace and to hopefully, in the process, bring peace to the one person that I had been dragging down with me for years. Most of you know that when my ex husband and I split, it was a huge dramatic event, on HIS side. There was NO drama from me, because I knew and stuck to the truth. The truth about us BOTH knowing for a long time that we were on a dead end road of "just gliding through" and were bound to end up at the end feeling un fullfilled at some point. Many lies were told about Jeff and I and he lost his entire reputation and many people who he considered good friends in this process. This, in turn, hurt me deeply because Jeff, no matter where we are headed or are currently at, started out as my best friend and that, I will never be ashamed of. I have refused to participate in the drama, all while refusing to hide anything from anyone this entire time because I had complete faith that the truth that I had been living would outshine the lies, drama, and negative energy that he was spreading like wildfire. People often ask me or talk to me like I should be or am mad at him or hate him and I have corrected every person, every time. My ex was my best friend, he was an excellent husband, and he is an all around good guy. Young, slightly immature, and just a "typical male" at times, yes, but he has always been a good guy. Even the best guys make mistakes or do or say dumb things when trying to deal with intense emotions. I am grown enough to know this and patient enough to give as much time as it takes for him and others to come to terms with the truth. Truth of the matter is, even if I left my ex with all intentions of being with Jeff, I didn't run from his arms and into Jeff's. In reality Jeff and I met at the "wrong time" for me and my ex's situation. It was one big fat coincidence and regardless of what my feelings may or may not be for Jeff, I did not act on them out of respect for my ex, our families and friends, Jeff and his reputation, and my own reputation and out of respect for the high standards I hold myself to. However, my ex was with someone else before our divorce was final and changed his FB relationship status to in a relationship with her as SOON as our divorce was final. That was in July. It is now November, and I have announced NOTHING official to anyone regarding my "relationship status" to anyone let alone a public forum and not because of fear, but because it's the right thing to do. I never want to jump into something just because it "seems right" again. I want to be sure. I want to get to know myself on a deeper level and fall in love with myself before I try to throw myself at someone else and expect them to be happy with "me". That is, after all, the WHOLE point of my divorce.
My point in all of this? Forgiveness. I am ready to forgive any and everyone in this situation. I was never "not ready" but I am actually wanting everyone to know that I am one big set of open arms who is willing to forgive and forget because I understand exactly what happened and I can't blame people for believing lies that could have, very much so, seemed real. Also, I am above drama, but some people love it and I am not putting anyone down for that but of course people went for the dramatic side of things..it's human nature. At the end of the day though, May was a long time ago, I have moved on and I strongly believe that if there is anyone who hasn't, it is simply because they continue to be mis informed, or they haven't had the right positive people to talk to about all of this. Even the people who were the harshest to me have a spot in my heart and I just feel the need to express that to everyone because at the end of the day, my ex is and has been with someone new, and whether I am or am not "with someone new", I am on my way to utter joy, peace, and happiness and that is all I am focused on right now…no matter how I get there.
"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well." ~ Lewis B. Smedes
Recently I have been concerned for my ex's emotional well being. I feel like he may have dug himself into a negative hole and now has no one to talk to about his REAL feelings about our divorce. At the end of the day, I just want happiness for him..and this has helped me realize that I need to write this forgiveness blog. Also, I cannot find anything negative in my heart to think or say about the others who negatively involved themselves where they shouldn't have. So..
"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one." ~Henry Ward Beecher
I am ready to do this. I was friends with everyone I had in my life for a reason and I am missing them. So, for the ones who stayed silent and neutral, come to me and just let me know that you are still here and don't secretely hate me and dig on my FB for dirty details, or if the ones who specifically tried to hurt me and Jeff came to me and said they may have been "hurt" by all of this or feel like they had a right to be hurt but feel like they were wrong to be so harsh and could see us being friends again..just come to me! I have never and still don't want to talk negatively about ANYONE involved so let's not re-stir any drama, but lets move on if you feel it in your heart to do so. Even the one person who said the harshest things to me out of anyone, or even my ex and his new girl.. I'm here, I'm open, and I'm wanting to have you in my life positively if you're open to it! If not, then at least I have said my piece on the subject. As for Jeff, he may have deleted his entire old FB account and started fresh, but he still exists. He was deeply hurt and effected by all of this and practically sideswiped and attacked…of course he started fresh, who could he trust? So even though this blog is MINE and involves only my life, feelings, and emotions, I had to throw that out there and let you all know that he is not "hiding"..he just started fresh with people he could really trust.
LOTS of love, happiness, and peace to ALL of you!
Jennifer
