Comfort Zones

(I realize that I misspelled "wilderness"…but just go with it…ha!)

I. Love. This. Quote. One of the many that I try so hard to convince myself to live by! However, I keep getting stuck in my hole! I find myself wanting out so bad..so I head out..driving…trying to find a good photo to take..but being too anxious to pull over and take the shot. Scared of the land owners, scared of being stared at..etc. Ridiculous. I found myself driving in one of these panics yesterday and ended up texting a DEAR friend of mine, Amber Barber, in a desperate "I'm screaming at the top of my lungs in my own head and she's one of the only people that gets that and I need her" attempts to seek help! I then pulled over, threw gas in the jeep, wiped my tears, entered her address in my GPS and let Dora take over. (Dora is my GPS..ya know…Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer!….yea anyway..) Next thing I knew I was greeted in her driveway on her amazingly beautiful property here in breathtaking Williamson County, TN, with a glass of Pinot Noir and was told to sit and spill it. Luckily, blonde as I may be, I realized she meant the inner voices in my head and NOT the wine. THAT, I chugged…and released the voices. It is AMAZING how sometimes just having someones face to tell your thoughts and pent up feelings and fears to is sometimes ALL you need to find your own answers. It also helps that we are VERY much alike and she is an amazingly wise owl (and a pretty one too!) to bounce ideas, goals, fears, and anxiety ridden babble off of! Just the fact that I forced myself to actually get out of my secondary cage, which is my Jeep, and actually SEE someone. . Talk to someone. . Listen to someone else. .Experience an evening with someone else. . did wonders for my soul! Fears are NORMAL and so is anxiety and stress and feelings of discouragement. Holding them in to the point that I do may be slightly normal, but is not acceptable to me. I may not have many close friends that I relate to and actually want to hang out with, but I do have a couple, and I NEED them! Mostly, I NEED to REMEMBER that I NEED to MAKE myself reach out to them sometimes and not make myself feel so crazy and alone all the damn time! (Yes, I cussed, do it a lot actually so…get over it?)

So, where did my night with Amber get me? More inspired. More inspired to see her more, and to not let my freaking cage keep me locked in forever. After all, what is the point in making goals if you have no real intentions of getting over your fears enough to, at least slowly, reach them!? One thing that has me super duper down is the fact that the photo editing site I use and understand and love is shutting down. I have tried to tackle Photoshop so many times before in the past, only to feel overwhelmed very quickly, panic, and run for my life back to the easy one. One of those unacceptable "running back to my blankie and cage" type things. It is causing me tons of anxiety but will actually be GREAT for me that I am now being forced to suck it up, and keep trying to learn the REAL software that REAL photographers use and not stop until I get it once and for all! No matter how many panic attacks and wine nights with Amber it takes me to do it. The information and knowledge will not just appear in my brain, I have to work hard to put it there. Work.. HARD. Hard work=accomplishments. Easy work=settling and becoming stuck. Amber told me last night that I am an amazing, deep, gorgeous(hehe *blush*), inspiring, passionate and AWESOME person and it's time I start giving myself credit for that. I need to make myself believe it by accomplishing awesome things so that I won't care whether people agree with Ambers opinion of me or not. I am the only thing that has been standing in my way and I'm ready to punch myself in the ego and then build it up to where I DESERVE for it to be!

I have joined a local photography group and I have been very successful in speaking out in the group online and sharing photos and giving my input and help to others. However, I have NOT yet "made it" to any of the outings. Why? Fear. Insecurities. HA…They know all of my fears and all of my anxieties and they have seen my work and know what I can or cannot do. So even if they have way better lenses, know Photoshop, and have TONS of expe..wait… (Jeff just told me there's a thunderstorm 80 miles West o.O ….ok he is checking radar..where was I?)oh yea even if I THINK that they will THINK they are better than me. Who cares?! I shouldn't because I know that they are not. They are simply more experienced but are there for me to pick their brains and become friends with and in turn, network and improve in SO many ways!

Also, I found out that a local studio owner and photographer here in Spring Hill (JustPortraits.com) is going to start offering classes for 15 bucks each! That's it! SO..I sucked it up, networked and signed the hell up for the classes. AND..I..WILL..GO..TO..THEM! Even if I show up panicked and in tears…I'll freaking BE THERE..to better my craft and in turn feed my passion and fuel my fire to succeed. Also, some sort of formal education (and cheap at that!) will ONLY lift my confidence to do even more networking and photography. If you would like more info on these classes (which range from even just a person who enjoys the idea of photography but only has a camera phone….all the way up to more advanced classes) hit me up in email or on my Facebook page for more into! (JenniferHinesPhotography@gmail.com ….oh yea..that needs to change to now..ha!)

*Deep breath* You are awesome. I am awesome. I love you and I love myself and WE ALL will work harder to become an even better "us"..right?!?!?! =D

Love and PEACE,

Jennifer

I have seen the retina burning, super inspiring light!

The quote that said it all!

I. am. a. blog. failure. Ok..THAT is my ONE and ONLY negative statement that I am allowing about myself in this post! I started this blog to help me swim my way through the mud puddle that I purposely dove headfirst into last May. I have had..uhm..let me see.. TWO posts since then. TWO. . ! This has GOT to change, or I am going to delete this blog, LOL!

Any-hooo…My DEAR friend Crista, who has ALWAYS been the most inspirational person in my life, posted this exact quote (pic) to her facebook and I stole it! (mwahaha!) Since that day..it has been HAUNTING me, but in a GOOD way! Since May, I have been just gliding along. Sliding through life on a straight arrow of getting nothing done and heading nowhere fast! WtH?! Didn't I leave EVERYTHING in May to do JUST the opposite? *sigh* Well, a rut is what I found myself in and it's time to strap on my combat boots, put on my big girl panties, and dig my way out! I haven't been shooting at ALL this winter with the excuse of "everything is dead and brown, what's there to shoot?" Anyone with an artistic eye or a love of photography can tell you that the excuse I just said is major BS. There is ALWAYS something or SOMEONE to shoot! Just gotta…get out of bed..put on the boots and what not and FIND the shots!

So! My goals are as follows. I am GOING to FINALLY do the final steps in finishing my side of the divorce. Divorce has a healing process whether you're the one who took the first steps out or not. I have been letting the idea that I'm not allowed to be hurting or healing because "I walked first" keep me down. I jumped from the nest that my (ex)husband created for me and took a quick head dive into the original nest that is …my parents house. Now, sure, I needed a place to land where I could get through this divorce and take the proper steps to independance, but NOT a place to lock myself in my cage (which is my tiny box of a bedroom) and WAIT for it to just be done for me. *sigh* I have disappointed myself, but it is not too late to get 'er done! (heh, sorry I had to!) Next goal is as follows. I so desperately want to start building a REAL portfolio and by that I do NOT mean create a website or another FB photography page. I mean a REAL, leather-bound portfolio. This way I can maybe start doing some freelance work here locally so that I can start building somewhat of an informal "resume" so that I have a third leg (oops..kinda gross) to stand on WHEN I get out West. Ok..this leads to goal numero tres! OUT WEST! I said I wanted to be out west by this spring to start my new life the right way, by chasing! Well, darnit! It is now January which puts spring a couple of short months away, less now actually, and I don't have a clue wth I am doing! Only, I DO know what I am doing. I'm GOING out west to start life with my soulmate and to chase/photograph the most beautiful thing in the world, weather! (and landscapes, but..yea.) So planning/preparation is starting NOW! Ok, last, but most definitely NOT least, I need to get OUT there in order to succeed in anything! I need people..and I NEED to NOT spend all of my time in my cage! Afterall, it would be quite exhausting for a bird who just discovered her wings to take a flight across the country if she had not done some "conditioning" and "training" via smaller flights! I have joined a group online called Middle Tennessee Shutterbugs and unlike the Shoot Franklin group that I was a part of, it is NOT JUST portrait artists that are ALL female and competing and shooting the same thing! Portraits, after all, are only half of what I like to do, if that! The Shutterbug group is diverse, and they have seemed super welcoming so far! I WILL keep up with this group and I WILL participate in their "activities and events!" Dangit! :D

Yea, you like that positivity dontcha? I thought so! SO! This blog IS GOING to be used, and is going to be used for ME! To keep me on track and to help keep me inspired. I hope that the few of you that might have been interested in following me will continue to follow me on me journey. I will post about any and everything that I do and include pictures! Mr. Canon is going to be by my side 7 days a week from now on!

So, here is to starting this year off right and to having an awesome non-resolution! (called that because of the tendency for actual resolutions to fizzle!)

Much love and peace!

Jennifer